First off, Iʼd just like to say that iʼm not an expert on tattoos or an artist myself, but I know enough to provide you with the basics on how to a bad tattoo, and Iʼll add in links whenever I can to give you more information. If anything is incorrect, please let us know but take into account that Iʼm Australian so information may differ slightly elsewhere. Let this article be the basis for your own research, and if you still end up with a shitty tattoo Iʼll buy you a beer.

Not all tattoo artists are created equal.

If youʼre anything like me, you probably assume, or once assumed, that if someone owns or works at a tattoo parlor, they must be good. This is patently untrue.To get an idea of what Iʼm talking about, visit Fuck Off Shit Tattoos to check out ink that looks like it was executed by a drunk monkey, but is mostly done by so-called ʻprofessional artistsʼ. Basically, anyone with the cash can buy a tattoo parlor and hire a bunch of their bikie mates who were trained in prison tattooing their cell mates for cigarettes. The shop itself may need a permit to run, but no oneʼs going to sit down and check the quality of their art, itʼs more about cleanliness and proper sterilization techniques. So how do you know if the artist is good?

Check out a tattoo artistʼs portfolio before they go anywhere near your precious skin.

The portfolio is usually made up of an artistʼs best work, so if you see anything obviously bad in there, run like the wind bullseye. Make sure the pictures themselves arenʼt blurry, black and white or taken at obscure angles because they could be hiding flaws. Also check that their portfolio contains work of the sort youʼre looking to get, for example: if you want a portrait of Steve Buscemi, donʼt go to someone who has no examples of portrait work, even if they say they do it.

Donʼt steal someone elseʼs tattoo, donʼt bring in clip art from Google and donʼt ask, or LET an artist tattoo something you drew even if youʼre fucking Van Gogh or something.

Youʼd think this would be self explanatory, but many people seem to think that taking a picture from Google in and asking for the exact same is not acceptable. Good tattoo artists are just that, artists, and they put a lot of time and effort into their work. As for drawing something and asking it to be tattooed on you directly, you might think it means more to you that way, but really it will mean much more to you if it actually looks good. Even if youʼre a good artist, tattoo artists are trained to make things look good on a body with curves and muscles that moves constantly rather than a flat piece of paper. Let them alter it. This goes for those annoying, generic clip art-style pictures you see every time you google something like…ʼowl tattoo.ʼ Always make sure your tattoo is an original sketch.

Donʼt get tattooed in a house by some guy who says heʼs professional and is only charging $20.

Those people are called scratchers my friend, and they are the scum of the earth. Yes, tattoos are expensive, but do you know what else is expensive? Getting the rose your cousin tattooed on your shoulder that looks more like a deformed baby lasered off. As does losing your hand to infection because he has no idea about how to be sterile to get ʻlove/hateʼ tattooed wonkily on your knuckles. You get what you pay for is never more applicable than when it comes to tattoos.

Images > Text.

Believe it or not, getting random words tattooed in Microsoft Word font is a relatively new phenomenon. Mostly because it usually looks shit, and in ten years will age into an unreadable blob. There are ways it can be done well, such as plain text incorporated to a design within banners, or handwritten, large text of no more than one or two lines, but most of the time itʼs better for you to think of an image that reminds you of the word and get that instead! For more info on text tattoos, this is a great link.

Upside down tattoos:

Anything you get on your wrist or arms should have its bottom end pointing towards your feet, as a general rule. A lot of people say they get it so they can see it, but really, itʼs a bit of a weak defense because you can see it either way. The problem is, if you ever decide you want more work, say, a larger tattoo on your arm, itʼs going to clash horribly unless you do that upside down too, which would look completely ridiculous. If youʼve already got one, donʼt feel too bad because Iʼve got two of them, very small luckily. The artist didnʼt even ask me if i wanted it the right way, which is a good sign youʼre at the wrong parlour, but itʼs a little too late for me!

Communication.

You need to trust your artist before you let them permanently ink you, and like any relationship, communication helps build that. Speak to them, show them examples of what you want, explain it, have them explain it back to you. Make sure that theyʼre comfortable with doing what you it, and if they arenʼt have them explain the reasons why so you can understand. If the reason is that they donʼt think your idea will work as a tattoo, they arenʼt just saying that because they arenʼt good enough. The bad ones will do it anyway, the good ones will tell you the truth, because they realize that their work is attached to their name and reputation. If you come to this point, talk more until you work out a compromise.

Know what a good tattoo looks like!

This is the hardest bit, so not being an artist myself, Iʼm going to link you to this blog. The person who runs it is a tattooist himself, and he critiques both good and bad tattoos with much clarity - go through a few pages and youʼll see what I mean!

I hope I havenʼt made you completely paranoid, and that you now feel armed with all the knowledge you need to get an awesome tattoo. Mostly because I care about you, but also because Iʼm too poor to buy myself beer, let alone anyone else.